Having peace in hard situations means having trust, and trust always needs to start with a little bit of honesty. I’m being honest with myself today and sharing how some frustrations are simply there to give me opportunities to be patient.
This year has already had its share of joys and sorrows.
If there’s one thing that I’ve always yearned to do in my life, it’s going on a missions trip. Whether somewhere nearby or overseas, the idea of exploring a culture for the sole purpose of proclaiming Christ fascinated me. I understand that in a lot of cases, short term missions trips don’t witness a lot of miraculous change. I wasn’t looking to save everyone all at once. I simply wanted to go, to serve in some way, to pour out my whole heart into a community. And I’ve always felt a missions trip was a good way to do this.
At the beginning of this year, I was preparing my heart and mind to go on a short term missions trip in February. Less than a month before we were set to leave, however, the trip fell through.
I didn’t understand at the time why God didn’t want me on a missions trip. I wanted so badly to go, to experience life somewhere else. What was it that kept me from being there? Was my heart not in the right place?
Soon after this news, another opportunity had come up to go on another short term missions trip. This was an opportunity that involved leaving my family to go with people I was only just getting to know, which made me nervous. But my anxious heart was soon calmed as I began to be more involved with the people I was planning to go with. As I sat surrounded by people who wanted to do the same thing as me – to serve, to learn, and to grow – I felt total peace and excitement for what was in store for me.
This, I was sure, was what God had been preparing me for when closing the door on the previous missions trip.
Then, a couple of weeks ago, I found out that the place we had planned to go was not as safe as it once had been, and the trip was cancelled. Once again, I was left with feelings of disbelief and heartbreak. Why was I not able to do this? Why did all of these doors open, and then seem to slam shut in my face?
I am still working through these questions. I still look at posts on instagram of others on their summer missions trips, or hear of friends going and serving somewhere and become sad. I want to feel as if I am accomplishing something – I am tired of being wrapped up in myself and in my mind. My soul needs a breath of fresh air. I feel as if the warrior inside me has been so busy battling on the inside. All I want is to fight for others and on the outside of things, distracting myself from my own pride. Maybe that doesn’t make sense – but mainly, I want to pour myself out as much as I possibly can. I want to serve in a way that exhausts me, and I want to feel what it is like to serve consistently and worshipfully.
But for today, for now, I guess that means finding what I can do here. Serving my friends, my family, my church. For right now, that is where I am needed most.
God, I pray that you would bring peace in my heart, to truly feel like this is the right thing for me right now. Help my lost soul and broken heart find healing in you and in the pouring out of your love. Teach me to have peace, in every situation.
I love you.
– Maddie
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