Dependence.

There’s a constant battle on where we place our dependence. Where will we choose to place our trust in the simplest and in the hardest of times?

I depend too much for someone who is a natural leader. As an extrovert, I love taking charge, talking, and being the best I can be for everyone to watch. But yet, as an introvert also, I hate talking for too long. I need stability. Rest. And in some social situations, I’d rather not be the outgoing one. I’d rather just sit an observe.

I’ve found myself, throughout my life, depending on things. Events, trips, weekends, food, people… you’d think at some point, I’d realize how pointless it is.

And yet, 17 years later, here I am. My highs and lows are caused by dependence on someone or something and a  constant fear that it will fail me. Sooner or later, it always does.

I’ve always known these facts, but there’s a huge difference between knowing and believing. And even then, there’s a difference between believing and actually acting on that belief. Lately, though, I’ve been trying to hear the Holy Spirit in me and listen to what that little voice has been trying to tell me. Today, I heard:

“Who are you depending on to make you happy? What are you doing to keep yourself from me? What is failing you that you are so convinced is better than me?”

And in that moment I realized just how much grace I was needing. I had completely started to believe that someone could fix me, make me happy — my dependence took to a different source.

All it took after this was just a little thought, a small prayer. All I needed was to realize that God wanted me to run to him, first and always. As I stood there singing during worship at church, I could literally feel my heart softening and my frustration subsiding. Funny how God does things like that, huh?

This post feels kind of everywhere, like an outburst of what’s in my mind in a single day.

But I’m going to end this with 2 things I want to focus on this week (I’ll update you and let you know how it went.):

1: I want to focus more on growing my relationship with God. I’ve been feeling so attacked with anxiety and worry lately, for seemingly no reason – so why would I not try to cling to God as much as possible? I know that every time I read the bible and pray and really focus on God, it feels like a comforting arm around me. It’s like a feeling in my chest that everything is right. Not perfect, but how it should be for now.

2: I want to ask myself, “What would I do if I wasn’t afraid anymore? What would I say? Where would I go? And then go and do those things.