To my readers: I wrote this one late night on a piece of notebook paper, hoping to try to find a topic that I was potentially going to talk about for a devo with my xc team. Unfortunately, that didn’t end up happening. But, I do have this blog post and a follow – up coming soon! To any teammates, friends, or strangers who read this, this is what I wrote but never shared. I hope you can learn something from it.
Have you ever felt lonely?
Not the fleeting type of feeling that you get when you’re wandering around a grocery store, trying to find your mom.
More like the feeling you have when you’re up late, wondering about some crazy stuff you’d never think about during the day. And there’s that uncomfortable, constant sinking of the stomach that can sometimes hurt so bad, you’d do anything to stop it.
Have you ever felt that?
Because I have. I’ve felt it so much the past few weeks I don’t know if I can handle it anymore.
I picked this topic because I wanted to try to talk about something I’ve been struggling with for a while. Okay, I say struggling, but I mean I wasn’t really fighting. I was losing. The ‘funny’ thing about loneliness is that it drives you to do all kinds of things. It makes you want to cry, scream, and doubt everything you’ve ever heard. Most of all, it makes you doubt God.
Which is completely ironic because I known in my head he’s the only one that can take this loneliness away.
A few days ago, I was going through one of my usual ‘insomnia attacks’ (just a fancy way of saying I was up wayyyyy too late.), and I seriously could not deal. I felt so alone in the world, I couldn’t even think straight. And yeah, I doubted God quite a bit. With everything going on in my life, I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t hit rock bottom yet. Like, God? How much worse is this gonna get?
And as I was sitting there, I thought a lot about how loneliness is probably the worst thing that could happen to someone. Have you ever realized that Jesus, on the cross, literally bleeding to death, had to also deal with loneliness? And not just any kind. The worst kind of loneliness is when you’re separated from God. And honestly, that to me seems like the ultimate form of punishment. Being in complete isolation from the one who made you and loves you.
And so maybe that helps validate the fact that I actually am going through something hard?
Or maybe just shows me that I’m not alone in all of this, that Jesus had to go through the same thing I am, but even worse?
That’s literally all the answers I have right now. I know God is the only one that can cure this, but right now I feel so unworthy to even talk to him. Like I know his grace covers me, But I honestly can’t stand talking to him when I know I’ll sin again, and again, and again. It’s like I try my best, I try to trust him, but I always end up back where I started.
So yeah. Hopefully by the time I possibly have to share this, I’ll have a better story for you all.
You guys are the best.
-Mads
Thank you for sharing your struggle fully knowing that we have been there, done that, most probably keeping the pain to ourselves. Just knowing we are not alone in what we battle is a step toward solution coming at least for a time. It is in our struggles that God permits us to have that’s precisely where He meets us. If you have read the book or have seen the movie “The Shack”, that is the whole message. That is our greatest time of growth in our going deeper with our understanding of the Love and forgiveness of God and if we open to His invitation, He is faithful to show us the way to freedom to trusting Him in all things, even our cellars of sin and doubts. He came to save sinners, those who know they are and accept His cruel death on the cross, as the Father’s provision for us to come to Him. The beautiful song, Hosea by Weston Priory, has a verse that says it so well…”The wilderness will lead you to your heart where I will speak. Integrity and justice, with tenderness you shall know. (Refrain) Long have I waited for your coming home to Me and living deeply our new life.” In Him we have life and way to peace. Shirley Bachmeier
Thank you for your comment, Shirley! You are so right, it is so much better knowing we are not alone!
Maddie,
It is quite remarkable that you are willing to share these deeply personal thoughts. Thank you for your willingness to open up for the benefit of others. Just today, I was sitting in a room full of people that I am friends with, that I share life with, and I felt all alone. I believe that loneliness is more common that we might realize. I know it’s common in my life.
I am so glad to read that you are taking your thoughts to Jesus, and considering his experience. He knows exactly what it feels like to be lonely.
I read this verse earlier this evening and it just really spoke to my heart. May it encourage you as well!
“The Lord, your God, is in your midst, a warrior who gives victory; he will rejoice over you with gladness, he will renew you in his love: he will exult over you with loud singing as in a day of festival.” Zephaniah 3:17-18
Hi Megan, thank you so much!! 🙂 Also, I really love that verse!!
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve been lonely most all my life, but not near as lonely as the last 11 years. I’m just recently learning to embrace it and learn from it. Some days are easier than others.