When Change Is Hard.

Change is a constant in my life, yet I am learning too that there is a constant grace that carries me through life’s ups and downs.

They say fall is full of change. I’m not exactly sure whether that’s change in the weather of a change in life itself… all I know is, I view change at this point as another sickening plot twist.

If you were to reach down my throat into my tightened chest and found your way to my heart, it would be beating only for the hope of a constant. I find comfort in the changing trees, because they tell me I am not alone in my world of dizzying, swirling color. Change, I realize, has been a constant for me. I do feel better, stronger, more resilient. It’s something I know I need, but it’s hard sometimes to accept that it’s not going to pause when you’re tired.

Fall makes me realize we are getting close to the end of the year again. I wrote down in the fresh, cold months of winter last year everything I wanted to learn from God. I hope, soon, we get to the part where I learn to believe I am held. I want to find myself in the morning singing praise, because I do not HAVE to have the strength for today. I want to truly believe that God is my only constant and safety.

When do you know a hardship ends? When do you say you’ve been through it? I feel like the period in between is the hardest — getting better but not quite there, in the past but still lingering around.

Here is another way that trials are like climbing a mountain: Sometimes when you hit a peak, things don’t resolve right away. Your legs still burn, your feet still hurt. Maybe I am on my way down, on my way to recovery, and maybe it’s steeper than I expected. Like running a race and letting your legs fly down a grassy hill. Every step hurts, but you’re getting faster and faster. Maybe, sometimes, that’s what healing is — letting your legs go and depending on God to carry your steps.